Mystery
All my life has been a mystery
You and I were never ever meant to be
That’s why I call my love for you a mystery

Different country
You and I have always lived in a different country
And I know that airline tickets don’t grow on a tree
So what kept us apart is plain for me to see
That much at least is not really a mystery

Estuary
I live in a houseboat on an estuary
Which is handy for my work with the Thames Water Authority
But I know you would have found it insanitary
Insanitary

Taken a violent dislike to me
I’d be foolish to ignore the possibility
That if we’d ever actually met, you might have hated me
Still, that’s not the only problem that I can see

Dead since 1973
You’ve been dead now . . . wait a minute, let me see…
Fifteen years come next Jan-uary
As a human being you are history

So why do I still long for you?
Why is my love so strong for you?
Why did I write this song for you?
Well, I guess it’s just the mystery

Mystery

Please read this with Stephens voice in mind. It might not work but it is the best sketch on ‘A bit of Fry & Laurie’ by far. Definitely makes me smile.

The Day I Forgot My Legs

	Stephen addresses camera.


Stephen		I don't know if I ever told you about the day
		I forgot my legs. I can't remember which day
		it was: it was one of those ones that happened
		in 1987, I can't remember which exactly, there
		were so many. In particular there were quite a lot
		of Tuesdays then, I remember, so I've a feeling it
		might have been one of those. Anyway, I was on
		my way into work with Sir Peter Thorneycroft, no
		relation, one fresh June morning in early May and
		we took the short cut across the fields. I stooped
		to pick a buttercup, why people leave buttocks
		lying around, I've no idea. The gentlest
		breeze and mildest Camemberts were packed
		in our hamper and all nature seemed to be
		holding its breath. We made good time by taking a
		back way across what was then the main Corpusty
		to Saxmundham Road. I was just remarking to
		Peter how still and peaceful everything was
		when he suddenly agreed with me and said how he
		thought everything was still and peaceful too.
		You know how if you half-close your eyes you can't
		see so well? I'd just discovered that it was equally
		true if you half-opened them. I was pointing this
		out when I suddenly noticed that I'd completely
		forgotten my legs. We had to go back and get them. The
		moment was spoiled and three years later almost to
		the decade, Margaret Thatcher was hounded from
		office. I sometimes muse on what might have
		happened if I had forgotten my ears as well. Never
		go back, ladies and gentlemen. Never go back.

Shoe Watch!!

Update, Prettttty!

Now this is not a real Wish List. It’s not aimed at anyone who might be reading this anyway. I just realised I see lots of things I love but never make a note of them and so don’t ’save’ any money for them, instead just buy random crap I don’t really want.

Take shoes, for instance. I never cared about shoes at all. I had just four pairs; trainers, pumps, one pair of heels and my beautiful New Rocks. Now I seem to be building a collection. One reason for this was I could never decide what size I was. For a long time I swear my feet grew to a size 9! then fluctuated between a 5 and 7. Least now I think I’m down to a dainty size 6. The worst thing is I now actually look for pretty shoes.

A friend introduced me to the brand Irregular Choice and I might be in love.

So, here is my wish list of shoes to aim for when I start sensibly saving. I mean, with a regular income I could buy myself a pair a month! Good times.

Alphabite Floral

Blue Antique Rose

Whimsical Miaow Ankle Boot

Bow Peep Zebra

Tape Measure High Heels

Punk Platform High Heels

Alphabite Check Lace Up

Have you ever noticed that subtle difference between British and American TV shows?

The American programmes give the impression that the camera has been smeared with a very thin layer of Vaseline meaning the already fairly attractive stars of the show will look even better. And it is always very attractive actors regardless of genre, location or the fact we can’t even see the faces of the extras because they are covered in copious amounts of blood. For example I saw an episode of CSI where the woman playing a homeless begger is in reality catwalk model!

British shows on the other hand seem to mirror reality a little better. Just watch an episode of Casualty or Eastenders and you’ll know what I mean. I haven’t watched either of these shows in many years but I presume the premise still applies. People look more like, well, people. A little less or badly applied makeup, but still people. British cameramen manage to film the cast without being disgusted and moved to covering the lens in pertrolium jelly.

Photoshopping however, is something that has crossed the great Atlantic liquid-fence. You can’t turn a page in a magazine without having a persons pixels shifted slightly to the left or right and suddenly made even more attractive. It does work though. Take Johnny Depp: in real life he’s cross eyed and has skin yellower than George Best on his deathbed, Jennifer Aniston is bald and Kiera Knightly is actually just a skeleton. I mean without the skin and internal organs.

Wouldn’t it be amazing then if we could apply photoshopping to everyday life? I mean, you wake up in the morning and instead of pealing back the curtains to see a gray horizon you’re met with a deep blue sky with a lone cloud shaped something like a fluffy sausage dog. The White Van man who leers at you when crossing the street in fact winds his window down to reveal his blue overalls have been replaced with a full tux and offers you a Ferrero Rocher while telling you what shoes are in this season.

I do wish my techie friends would hurry up and create this software. Of course they would have to communicate with the medical world in order to
place it into a chip which could be inserted directly into the brain. Based on past experiences with the Pale Army I think we’ll see lots of independent attempts at specialized Matrix-style sun-glasses first. Maybe once these are in use the geeks will feel so much happier after having the outside world being much friendlier to their brilliant but timid minds that they will be able speak to others and so create the RoseTinted Mind Chip™.

We can only hope.

It’s been an entire month since my last blog post!

WELL! In that time there’s been a few developments in the world of the beloved superhero, Laura-Lightning.
Although I want to scream my lungs with happiness for a few of them, I also don’t want to offend my fellow God, Jinx so will be keeping quiet about those.

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The one thing I can chat about is my family holiday to Mallorca! MALLORCA! Cala d’or to be exact. It’s one of those little resorts which is far enough away from the over-populated tourist hell-holes like Magaluf but not a complete recluse village. (I wouldn’t have minded one of those though, if it wasn’t for the fact that there would be no wifi at all, anywhere!)

The holiday started with a bit of a bump when there were a few issues getting the hire car out of the parking lot but after that it was a short 45 min drive to Cala d’or. Of course then we had to find the villa. Now Cala d’or is a small village/harbour and it really shouldn’t be too hard to get lost but like all Spanish costal towns it is booming with new properties and new roads are being added to maps every week. In the end we gave up trying, parked up and walked to the nearest cafe. At this point it was about 12pm and our 6am flight and roughly 2hours sleep in the last 24 meant we were all ready for a big meal. The first cafe we arrived at was Churchills. It’s a little English owned cafe which does just serve The Full English and the like. The owner however, rocked. Really great guy about the age of 35 as well as his, erm, brother I think, who was also 30 something. We were instantly told we were 2 streets from the Villa and we quickly realised this was our breakfast port for the week. On top of that, FREE WIFI! I mean FREE! There was a wifi connection all round the marina but you had to pay. *Sighs* Bliss,

Anywho, we found the villa and with it being my families first Villa holiday I was really pleased with my Dad’s comment of ‘Well, you know what the problem is? It’s better than the broacher!’

Instantly in our swim suits and bikini’s we didn’t move too far that day till about 7pm when we went in search of a restaurant. We found one on the Marina, Blanco y Negro. I think I impressed my family with my limited knowledge of how to order beer and food but I know I need a lot of work. Was impressed later in the week when I ran in a very rural bar and was asked for the amount to be paid in Spanish and I knew without hesitation. Something is sinking in, clearly.

So anywho, the week rolled on. On Sunday we had a BBQ while I taught my sister and brother-in-law-to-be Texas Hold’Em poker. It had been pretty cloudy that day and knew we’d be facing a day of rain ahead. Hmmm. Rain. Thunder storms FTW more like. It was better in that respect because it was better to watch than drissel. and meant that I was rapped in a blanket on the veranda with my book.

So Monday and Tuesday were washouts weatherwise but Tuesday was my Mum’s birthday so celebrated it with another HUGE meal out. I did look like there was almost no chance of sunshine though. Then… Wednesday morning… SUNSHINE! Clear blue skies and hot sunshine. Woke up at 9.30 and blinked at the sky before jumping in my bikini and camping out by the pool. That afternoon we went to the marina and jumped on the daily Speedboat which takes you on a 50min ride round the local ports at, well usually 60mph but today because of the thunderstorms and the very rough seas we only made it to 40mph. I don’t know if you have ever been on one, but if not, DO IT!

Thursday I jumped in my bikini again at 9am and stayed there till lunch time where we went to the main beach and hired little peddle boats and bought a snorkel. Cycling out over the Med I stuck my purple snorkel on and jumped in. I swear it was warmer than our pool. Either way, I saw so many fish! Snorkeling is something I want to take up more. Will need to look into that again in the very near future.

Friday… A little trudge round the town and then back to the villa. Another HUGE evening meal (I ate so much last week I am going to HAVE to go on a huge diet now. Although my stomach has expanded and this is gonna be tough).

Saturday morning at 6am we drove back to Palma for our 10am flight back. The drive back was much smoother than the drive in and we had a smooth flight home. That was until 3/4 of the way through we ran ‘into the tail stream of a passing aircraft’ which caused quite substantial turbulence. God knows how close we ACTUALLY were then.

Now I’m spread out on the sofa watching Big Bang Theory which I sorely missed last week. I will upload my holiday pictures soon but there seems to be a few issues with NextGen Gallery. Totally need to upgrade that asap. Adios!

I consider myself the queen of tea making, as long as we are talking about the bog standard tea bag cup. I did however, come across this article from the BBC discussing the best method of making a good cup of tea. Who knew you were supposed to put milk in first? Actually, I think I had this argument with Hazel at camp last year…

While lounging around on the sofa for yet another evening browsing around for places and things to see on our family holiday to Mallorca, a tweet popped up on twitterfox from Imogen Heap (@imogenheap). It basically said that she was currently speaking on Radio 4 so I instantly switched over to give her a listen.

She was already pretty much my favorite artist since my love of Evanescence faded now the lineup only features Amy Lee from the original, and after hearing Ms Heap speak about her childhood love of music I really did fall in love with her as well as her music.

For the last 3 months I’ve been following her progress on her new album, Ellipse, on twitter watching her panic over the final sound and the album art as well as a few songs leaking online. I’m not sure how to describe her music; Alternative, Electronica, Ambient… but it certainly is a far cry from anything I listened to just 2 years ago. Saying that though I do remember being sent one of her songs second year of uni from an old school friend. He had just discovered her music and although a drummer and complete metal head himself seemed to love the track ‘Hide & Seek’. Those of you who know me well might know how much I love this song and how often I play it. For the last 2 years the lyrics have hit a cord with me on every listen and the whole thing just sends me into some kind of deep relaxation and optimism that someone else seems to feel what I feel.

If you haven’t yet heard the track then please give it a listen, all the way through if you can.

So the remarkable woman that is Imogen Heap is someone I would very much like to go see live at some point. Although she may not have the fan base that many other artists have, I don’t think I will ever be blindly obsessed with her, she still makes amazing music and is a genuinely wonderful human being.

Now I had best start the evenings activities; Spanish lessons, reading, holiday planning, BBQ planning, and general consumption of red wine until bed time.